Breathe Her In Read online

  He pinches the bridge of his nose, warding off the headache that I know is blooming. “So what do we do?”

  “Nothing. I take this new job and we leave it alone.”

  “We just let him win?”

  “What’s he win, Rafe? He wanted me, but you have me. He has nothing. He might have gotten his way, but he didn’t win.”

  He sinks back down on the couch with me and pulls me close to him, wrapping me in his warmth. I breathe him in, absorbing his strength and love.

  “I’m sorry this happened to you, baby. I’m sorry you ever got involved with that cocksucker. You gonna be alright?”

  “I think so,” I whisper. “I’m so worried about Dells.”

  His lips press against my forehead. “She’ll be fine. She’s a tough cookie.” The alarm on his phone beeps and he lets out a low curse. “I have to go meet with Doug. Are you gonna be okay by yourself?”

  “I’m exhausted. I’m going to crawl back into bed and sleep until you get back.”

  “Sweet dreams, baby. I’ll see you in a little while.” I get another kiss, this one a bit more involved than his earlier kiss on the forehead, and he leaves.

  ___

  “Time to wake up, baby.”

  I open my eyes and find Rafe squatting down next to me on the side of the bed. The light coming through the room is dim. Either he’s been gone all day, or I’ve slept all day.

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after six. I tried to wake you up, but you were out. I figured after the morning you had you needed your sleep.”

  “Where’s Della?” I sit up but have to grip Rafe’s shoulder. Dizziness hits me hard, and it takes a few minutes for it to pass.

  “I take it you didn’t talk to the doctor?”

  “I think my phone is still in the car. Where’s your sister?” My main concern right now is Della. I want to know how she did at school today and if she knows anything.

  “She’s at Mama C’s. We had a talk about everything on the way over there. Without going into too much detail, I explained to her that you wouldn’t be her teacher anymore. She was upset, but I think she’ll be okay. It’s not like she won’t get to still see you every day.”

  “Does she know none of this is her fault?”

  “She doesn’t know the reason to begin with. I just said that they needed you working somewhere else.”

  I sag back down into the pillows on the bed. Sitting up is too much right now. The exhaustion didn’t go away, despite the fact that I’ve spent all day sleeping.

  “Hungry?”

  “Not really.”

  “Too bad. I made dinner. Meet me in the living room. I’ll go get your phone out of the car.”

  When I find the energy to get out of the bed, I meet Rafe in the front of the house. His face is illuminated by the glowing screen of my phone. “Your girls are freaking out, baby. Might want to let them know you’re alive after we eat.”

  He tosses the phone to me. The missed calls, voicemails and texts are insane. While we eat the food that Rafe cooked, I set the phone on the table and we listen to the recordings of my frantic friends. They started before I even left campus this morning, and didn’t stop throughout the day. In the mix, there are some messages from the doctor telling me to call them as soon as I can.

  I send out a group text after we eat, telling them that I’m alive and well. We make plans to meet up for dinner tomorrow after work. I don’t have the desire or the energy to make calls to them tonight. They all know what happened anyway, so they can wait until tomorrow to hear about it from me.

  I toss the phone on the counter when the plans are set and get a look from Rafe. “Call the doctor.”

  “It’s seven o’clock at night.”

  “So?”

  “So, it’s late. I’ll call them tomorrow.”

  “It’s Urgent Care. They’re open until nine. Call them.”

  I just want to curl up in bed and watch TV, but I know he won’t relax until I make the phone call. There’s no use arguing with him. Besides, it will take them two seconds to tell me that everything is fine and that my bloodwork is normal. Then we can curl up and get lost in some mindless television. I dial the number with Rafe plastered to my side, the phone on speaker.

  It doesn’t take them two seconds to tell me everything is fine.

  It takes them two seconds to tell me I’m pregnant.

  25. Rafe

  “This can’t be happening,” she whispers by my side, for probably the millionth time in twenty-four hours.

  Eleanor is in shock. Since the phone slipped from her hand when the words ‘you’re pregnant’ were muttered on the other end, she’s been in disbelief. I held her through the night, freaking out myself, but never letting it show. When I forced her to go to the doctor, I prepared myself for a bevy of reasons why she would be sick. Pregnancy never entered my mind. I didn’t think it was a possibility.

  At eight o’clock this morning, she made a frantic call to her doctor’s office and begged the receptionist to take us today. We sat on the opposite side of Dr. Redmond’s desk and relived that horrific time in Eleanor’s life, eight years ago. It wasn’t any easier for me to listen to the second time around. A lot of medical jargon was thrown at us, and damages and surgeries were discussed. I tried to push past the anger and listen, but it wasn’t something I could really focus on.

  When it was obvious that Eleanor wasn’t taking in the information, Dr. Redmond came around her desk and joined us.

  “Eleanor, honey. Look at me.” She spoke in hushed tones, with a hand gripping my girl’s knee. “You were heavily sedated for days after the attack, not to mention traumatized. I told your grandmother that it was highly improbable that you would ever conceive again, especially without medical intervention. I never said it was impossible. I didn’t think you heard that conversation because it was right after that second surgery while you were in recovery. You misunderstood what I told her. Did the two of you never discuss this?”

  Eyes shining with tears, Eleanor shook her head back and forth, causing the tears to spill over. She never looked at either one of us while we were in Dr. Redmond’s office- her red eyes stayed trained on the little black and white ultrasound photo of our child that was given to us just an hour before.

  She’s still clutching the picture, all these hours later.

  “Baby, look at me.”

  She finally pulls her eyes away from the small piece of paper and looks at me. I take her beautiful face in my hands. The faintest smile dances across her face.

  “This is happening,” I tell her, my smile huge. “We’re having a baby.” I nod toward the picture in her hands. “That’s our baby.”

  A beautiful laugh bubbles from her. It’s mixed with tears, a half sob, but it floats through the air of our clearing and is the best sound I’ve heard in ages. She throws herself into my arms and pushes the sound into my neck, my body absorbing her cries and her laughter. She repeats my words and hearing them come from her is my breaking point.

  We’re wrapped tight in each other’s arms, that grainy black and white photo pressed between our entwined bodies, and we’re laughing, sobbing, and loving each other in the middle of our clearing. This is where it all started. This is where I fell in love with this incredible woman, who is now the mother of my child.

  The sun starts to dip past the tree line, a silent signal that we need to head out. I’ve been neglecting my sister the past few days, pawning her off on Claire so that I can see about Eleanor. Neither of them see it like that, of course, but I need to spend some time with Della.

  “I need to go to Claire’s,” I tell her when we finally break apart. “Do you want to come with me, or do you want me to drop you off at home first?”

  “I’ll come.” Her eyes sweep down to the picture, pulling a grin from her lips. “Can we keep this between us for now?”

  I give her a hesitant nod. Everything is fine with the baby. Dr. Redmond assured us that the bloodwork an
d ultrasound showed that he or she was developing and on track.

  Her eyes move from the picture to me and when they hit my face I can feel it like a physical caress. “We never got to do this,” she whispers. “Last time,” she adds, even lower. “I just want this to be ours for a little while before we have to share. Something just for the two of us.”

  “We can do that.”

  The smile fades quickly. I just gave her what she asked for, so I’m not sure what happened in the last two seconds that would make her upset. “I’m scared, Rafe.”

  Christ, but I’m scared, too.

  Terrified.

  I’ve been through a lot in my life, but nothing has made me feel like this. “Don’t be, baby. We got this.” She’s back in my arms, and I let my fingers ghost over her tattoo. “I won’t let anything happen to the two of you. You’re carrying my world in here, Eleanor. I’ll keep the two of you safe.”

  “Promise?”

  “Promise.”

  I hope it’s a promise I can keep. I’d die before I let anything happen to her or my child again.

  26. Eleanor

  I put off dinner with my friends until the weekend. I know how they are and I know how I am… there’s no way I’m going to be able to keep this baby a secret for long. Every day this week I sent out a text saying I was too bogged down with work to fit in dinner.

  This was not entirely a lie. The new job I’ve taken is nothing like what I was doing before. I have students ranging from first grade to high school, and I’m essentially teaching out of the trunk of my car. Rafe hates the fact that I’m going into people’s homes and teaching children who’ve been expelled for various reasons, none of them good. I’m not a big fan of it either, but I refuse to quit. Those kids need a teacher. They’ve had too many leave them in the past. If I find another job, I’ll consider taking it, but for now, I’m sticking with this.

  Saturday night rolls around, and I pull up at the restaurant. I’m running late and can see all of their cars in the parking lot. I’m sure they’ve already started drinking. On the way here, I decided that I’ll tell them I’m on antibiotics, so I can’t drink. I hate having to lie to them, but I’m just not ready to tell them the truth.

  I can hear them as soon as I walk through the doors. The hostess offers to walk me back, but I decline and make my way to the table. Shot glasses, beer bottles, and wine glasses are littering the surface. I must be really late. After several minutes of too-tight hugs, I sit down and the questions start. I’ve told them all what happened that day in Daniel’s office, and they’ve heard all the various versions at school, but now that we’re all together, they want to hear it again.

  “He’s such an asshole.”

  “School just isn’t the same without you.”

  “How’s the new job going?”

  I’m thankful that Laurel wants to know about my new position, so I tell them about some of the more interesting students I have on my roster. A few of them are familiar to the girls because they’ve come through our school. My story gets interrupted by the waitress asking about drinks. I get funny looks from all my friends when I order water. The lie about the antibiotics rolls off my tongue easily. Guilt gnaws at me, but I’ll tell them soon.

  The night goes too quickly, so we make plans to meet up again in a few weeks. I miss these girls terribly. Just as we’re about to leave, nausea hits and I take off for the bathroom. I was hoping this part of the pregnancy would be over soon, but it’s still as strong as ever. It isn’t long before I hear the squeak of the bathroom door.

  “Eleanor?” Caroline calls out. “Are you alright?”

  No. I feel like my insides are coming out. “Yeah. I’ll be out in a minute.”

  “We’ve all paid. Do you want me to give your card to the waitress?”

  “Please. It’s in my wallet.”

  I hear the bathroom door swing closed. After a few minutes I’m sure that it’s passed, and I can go back out. I rinse my mouth out in the sink and go back to the table. When I reach it, everyone is sitting there, completely silent.

  My steps falter. “What’s wrong?”

  “Um,” Caroline hesitates. “When I opened your wallet this fell out.” She moves her hand from her lap and is holding up the picture of the baby. “What’s going on, Eleanor?”

  I’m not sure why, but the burn behind my eyes starts up again. Every time I think about the baby, tears want to fall, and I can’t seem to stop them. Caroline grabs me and pulls me back to my chair.

  “Is that from before? The baby you lost?” Laurel whispers. I guess my reaction would indicate that it would be.

  “No.” I wipe under my eyes and take a few deep, shaky breaths. “I’m pregnant. Rafe and I are having a baby.”

  The table erupts in a symphony of noise. My friends are crying, hugging me, clapping, and jumping up and down. I can’t breathe from all of the arms that are wrapped around me. Everyone in the restaurant is staring at us.

  “How? I don’t understand.” Makenna is shaking her head back and forth.

  “You see,” Bren says, “when a boy and a girl like each other, they take their clothes off and the boy puts his-”

  “Shut up,” Caroline tells her. “I’m pretty sure that’s not what she meant.”

  “I thought you couldn’t have any more children.” Laurel is still whispering, as if saying any of this out loud will make it all disappear. I know how she feels.

  “Dr. Redmond explained it all when I saw her this week. She told Gigi that it was improbable that I would get pregnant, not that it was impossible. I misunderstood.”

  “So you and Rafe have been going at it like rabbits, not worrying about him wrapping it up?” Bren asks.

  “Basically.”

  “You’re having a baby,” Laurel whispers again.

  A smile splits my face in half. “I’m having a baby.”

  “Is Rafe freaking out?” Caroline is still holding on to the picture, mesmerized by the image on the page.

  “Yes, but only in the best of ways.”

  Another lie that comes far too easy. I can’t tell my best friends that he’s freaking out about his other life that they know nothing about. He was worried about Ford before we knew about the baby, but now the situation is exacerbated. He tries to keep me in the dark, but he’s been meeting with Doug, his parole officer, frequently. I’m assuming that they are trying to devise a plan to get Rafe out of his current situation.

  “Do we need to start planning a wedding?”

  My face pales with Caroline’s words. I know he wants to marry me. He said it, point blank, at Gigi’s house…which makes me wonder why he hasn’t brought it up yet.

  “Not yet. I’m sure it’s coming.”

  “Not yet? I can’t believe that caveman hasn’t dragged you down to the courthouse yet and made an honest woman out of you.”

  “It’s not like the fact that I’m pregnant and unmarried will tarnish my reputation. Let’s not forget that I got fired last week for sleeping with the legal guardian of one of my students. The damage has already been done.”

  “This is true,” Bren laughs. “You’re reputation is worse than mine. I never thought I’d see the day.”

  “It wasn’t easy.”

  We talk for a few more minutes until the waitress starts to pelt us with dirty looks. Our party goes to the parking lot, where we stand around for about half an hour more, talking about everything from work to the baby. I’m starting to get tired, so I get in my car and head to Rafe’s house, more than ready to crawl into bed with him.

  ___

  “You’ve got to relax.” Rafe’s words are doing little to comfort me. I’ve been worried about this dinner for the past few weeks.

  “I can’t. I’m about to throw up.”

  Della’s soft laughter can be heard from the backseat. I turn around and hit her with the meanest ‘teacher face’ I can muster, but it only makes her giggle further. She’s been a happy, laughing little ball of excitement ever since
Rafe and I told her about the baby. If it wasn’t for the fact that she doesn’t speak, she’d be just like any other typical eight year old.

  “You’re always about to throw up. This is going to be fine.”

  “Rafe, my grandmother is coming to Wednesday dinner. And this isn’t just any dinner. We are telling both our families that we’re having a baby. It’s not going to be fine.”

  He throws my car in park and takes my face in his hands. “Did you not pay attention the first time I brought you here? Maggie gave you the run down on the family. There’s been so much drama at Wednesday dinner it isn’t even funny. This is nothing.”

  “But it’s Gigi.”

  His mouth curls up at the corners, doing funny things to my insides that have nothing to do with the baby-induced nausea. “Gigi loves me.”

  “Correction… Gigi loved you before she knew you got her only granddaughter pregnant. Now, I’m not so sure.”

  “We aren’t sixteen, Eleanor. We got this.” He kisses me softly and gets out of the car. I look back to Della, who gives me a thumbs-up and leaves the car, too. I guess I’m the only one that’s worried.

  As soon as Rafe has my door open, Gigi’s car pulls up behind us. We wait in the driveway while Jeff, her driver, gets her settled in her wheelchair. He declines our dinner invitation and tells us he’ll be back in two hours to pick her up. I take Della’s hand and Rafe stays with Gigi as we make our way up the path to Claire’s front door. Everyone is all smiles.

  Everyone but me. I feel like I’m walking to my execution.

  As usual, Claire has the door open before we have a chance to knock. Della gets kisses and hugs first, then me, and finally Rafe. After she gets all of that out of her system, I introduce her and Gigi.

  “Let’s get inside and get comfortable,” Claire says.

  It’s actually quiet for once. Claire explains that Tommy and Declan are still at the shop, and all the grandkids are down the street at Finn and Maggie’s. She’s banished them until dinnertime so the adults can have a chance to get to know each other in the peace and quiet. Della pulls on Claire’s arm, a silent signal that she wants to go to Finn’s with the others, so she makes a quick call and one of Finn’s younger twins comes to get her.