Breathe Her In Read online

  Rafe keeps giving me the eye, waiting for me to bring up the baby. I can’t do it. The words are stuck in my throat. Each time I open my mouth and will the words to come, I quickly close it and turn red.

  I let Rafe, Claire, and Gigi continue to make small talk. Finn, Maggie, Bennett, and Lucy are in the kitchen making last minute dinner preparations while Claire and Gigi talk about all of their mutual friends.

  “You’re birthday is coming up,” Gigi says when there’s a lull in the conversation. “Any idea what you want, honey?”

  I start to tell her, but Rafe cuts me off. “She needs furniture.”

  “Furniture?”

  “Yes.”

  I’m looking at Rafe, not entirely sure what he’s doing.

  “Her house is fully furnished,” Gigi tells him. “I can’t imagine what else she would need.”

  “Nursery furniture.”

  All heads whip around to me. Claire laughs and slaps Rafe on the shoulder, telling him not to tease.

  “It’s no joke, Mamma C.” He takes my hand in his and lays them across my stomach that’s showing a hint of a bump, if you know it’s there. “We’re having a baby.”

  “Eleanor?” Gigi prompts. I lift my eyes to my grandmother, waiting to be hit with a look of disappointment, but all I see is confusion. “Is this true? Surely Rafe knows better than to jest about such things.”

  I bite my lip and nod. Speaking isn’t really an option at this point.

  “We just found out,” Rafe tells her. “This isn’t how, or when, we pictured becoming parents. We never even thought conceiving a baby was possible. The two of us can hardly be upset about this.” His eyes move from Gigi to mine. “Eleanor and I have been given a second chance at becoming a family.”

  “What are you talking about… a second chance?” Claire asks. I’ve forgotten she was even in the room, sitting right next to us. Rafe looks to me for permission to share with her the heaviness of our history. I squeeze his hand, giving a silent okay, and he lets go of me.

  “I haven’t given you the whole story about my past with Eleanor,” he tells her, replacing my hand with hers. “Eleanor and I weren’t just friends in high school; we were in love. She was everything to me. I was terrified to breathe a word about it. You know, Mamma C, that good things didn’t happen to me.” He wipes an errant tear from her cheek before continuing. “Right after I was arrested, Eleanor found out that she was pregnant.”

  “That’s why I came looking for him,” I tell her.

  “Oh, honey, why didn’t you tell me?” she asks. I don’t know if she’s talking to him or me, but I decide to answer.

  “I had never met you, and you didn’t seem to have the slightest clue who I was. It didn’t feel right.”

  Claire’s looking back and forth between the two of us, looking for more answers. Rafe continues with the story. “Anyway, Eleanor went looking for me at my mother’s house.”

  “No,” Claire whispers, taking her hand from Rafe’s and covering her mouth. She, of all people, knows the ramifications of my actions. I can see that she knows where this story is headed.

  He nods. “She was attacked and she lost the baby. We didn’t think…” He stops to clear his throat. “We didn’t think that she’d be able to get pregnant again.”

  “But she did,” Claire says, smiling through the tears.

  Rafe nods. “But she did.”

  Claire leaves her spot next to him and pulls me up into her arms. My eyes hit the doorway leading to the kitchen and I see the rest of the family huddled in the opening. Lucy and Maggie both are crying, while Finn and Bennett are grinning at Rafe with some of the biggest smiles I’ve ever seen from them. I guess they’ve been standing there the entire time. They make their way over and the girls come to me, offering up congratulations in the midst of tears. Rafe and the boys are doing the whole half hug, back slap thing that men do. As soon as I can untangle myself from the giant hug, I make my way over to Gigi.

  “You haven’t said much.”

  “I’m trying to process it all, my dear. This is a lot to take in. I thought I’d never hear that announcement from you.”

  “I’m still in shock, too.” I cast my eyes down. “Are you mad at me?” I may be a grown woman, but I still never want to upset or disappoint my Gigi. She’s the only person in my family whose opinion means anything.

  “Mad? No. I could never be mad about you bringing a baby into this world, especially after everything you went through. I know how much you’ve suffered. And while I don’t know the whole story, I’m fairly certain that Rafe has endured his fair share of suffering, too.” She tucks a stray hair behind my ear before continuing. “I’m upset about the fact that you weren’t being safe with him, but I would hope that you two discussed the health aspects of that before you launched into the intimacies of your relationship.”

  “Gigi,” I blush.

  “Don’t get coy with me, Eleanor Louise. We’re past that. You’ll be having conversations like this with your own child before you know it.”

  Ugh. She’s right. “We discussed it.”

  “Good.” She lets her gaze wander over to Rafe and his family, and then she looks back to me. “You’re both happy, and that’s all I can ask for. There’s a lightness in his eyes that wasn’t there before.” She takes my hand in hers. “I don’t ever want you to think that you went through that terrible time in your life for a reason, but I feel like now is when you and Rafe were meant to start a family. Eight years ago was obviously not the right time for the two of you. I wish that things didn’t have to play out the way they did, but we can’t do anything about that now. The two of you and Della can only move forward and build a new family.”

  I wipe the tears away, but don't respond. We both know what she’s saying is correct. Right on cue, the kids run inside and we move to the kitchen to enjoy Wednesday dinner.

  27. Rafe

  I step out of my Explorer and make my way to Doug’s office, hopefully for the last time. As of today, my probation is over. Doug and I will continue to meet, though, just not here. As soon as I found out about the baby, I knew it was time to put an end to this bullshit with Ford. Doug and I met and I started my story at the beginning, laying everything out for him. He wasn’t surprised in the least bit… evidently Ford has built quite a reputation for himself among other law enforcement officers. The only people who don’t see him for what he really is are his supervisors. Doug’s heard that he’ll be running the whole task force soon. Well, as soon as he can nail Vega.

  Things are escalating with Vega. The amount of drugs and money passing back and forth between the two of us these days is insane. He’s back in Mexico right now, regrouping, but as soon as he comes back into town, I’m determined to nail his ass and take Ford down in the process.

  Doug’s waiting for me when I make my way up the stairs that lead to his office. “Let’s take a walk,” he says, guiding me back out to the parking lot. “This is it,” he continues. “You are no longer under my supervision.”

  “I’d say I’ll miss you, man, but,” I shrug and he just laughs.

  “I get you.”

  We walk in silence for a few minutes and end up in the back of the parking lot. There’s nothing out here but old patrol cars that have seen better days, and we’re on a side of the building that doesn’t have any windows.

  “I don’t need to risk anyone seeing this,” he tells me.

  “See what?” I ask, my senses going on high alert. I trust this man, but this is some weird shit.

  “Give me your phone.” I don’t make any moves to take it out my pocket. “We need a way to tie Ford to Vega,” he explains. “I doubt the two are seen in the same social circles, so I need to put a listening device in your phone. I want recordings of your phone conversations.”

  “You gonna get in trouble for this?”

  He shakes his head. “No. I went to my supervisor, explained everything. We have all our bases covered on the legal end. He wants to nail t
he bastard just as bad as I do. Ford knows he can’t use you like this, but he’s doing it anyway. We need to get you out of this situation, and we need to make sure we do it in a way that your custody of Della isn’t jeopardized.”

  “So why are we hiding in the back of the parking lot?”

  Doug shakes his head. “Do you know how many people are in that building right now that you probably supply to? The place is crawling with users, Rafe. People from your old neighborhood. Everyone knows you. We don’t need to draw any attention to ourselves and raise suspicions. You said yourself that Vega already questioned our relationship.”

  I didn’t even think about that. Every time I come here, it’s like a fucking reunion from my time at my mother’s house. I’m surprised I haven’t run into her pathetic ass yet.

  “You all set for when Vega comes back?” he asks.

  The thought of it makes my insides ignite. I nod, but it’s accompanied by a harsh exhale of my breath. If this goes wrong, my life could be over. Literally.

  Doug gives me a few sharp claps on the back. “It’s gonna be fine, man.”

  “I’ve got a lot ridin’ on the fact that it has to be fine.”

  “I know how important Della, Eleanor, and the baby are. I would go at this alone if I thought I could. You have to be involved, man. Everything is gonna work out.”

  I give him another nod and head for my car. Finn gave me the day off because I have another show coming up at Landon’s gallery this weekend, and I need to get the installations done. With the success of the last show I did a few months ago, he decided to feature me in a solo exhibit at the gallery. All of my spare time has been spent inside my makeshift studio in my backyard, getting pieces ready.

  Just as I’m pulling out of the parking lot, my phone chimes with a text from Claire. I don’t have to read the message to know what she wants. I forgot that I told her I’d go have lunch with her and Della before I headed to the Gallery.

  My poor Della. Things seemed to go downhill for her when Eleanor was fired. Every single day I’d get a frantic call from Hadley while Della was in the throes of one of her fits. The new teacher that they replaced Eleanor with quit after about a week of being in that classroom. Della started getting more violent, and that was something that new teacher didn’t want to deal with. They are now on Eleanor’s third replacement. I hope that asshole Daniel Perez is happy with himself.

  Hadley did her best, but we soon realized that nobody was getting what they needed in that classroom. None of the other children were learning, Hadley was spending more time trying to control my sister than actually teaching, and Della was an emotional wreck. All of her recent vocalizations came to a screeching halt. It seemed like all of the progress we’d made with her lately was deteriorating. I made the tough decision to pull her out of school. Claire, a retired teacher, is now home schooling Della. I hate to put that burden on Claire, but Della’s episodes have decreased drastically since we took her out, and I’m sure the school is thankful that they don’t have to deal with her anymore. They didn’t know how to handle a child like her. Hell, half the time I don’t know how to handle her.

  Despite all of the recent drama, I can’t imagine what I would do without my sister. Dells gives me a purpose… a reason for getting up every day and working my ass off to make something better out of myself. There’s no telling where I would be today if I didn’t get custody of her three years ago. Thankfully, I don’t have to imagine it. Della is safe with me, and she led me back to Eleanor.

  When I get in Claire’s kitchen and spot the two of them, cooking and laughing, all thoughts of Ford, Doug, and Vega leave my head. Della and Claire together settles something deep within me. They bring me a peace that I never imagined I would find. I wrap them both in my arms, push the thoughts of the shit I have to deal with further out of my mind, and enjoy a lunch with two of the three most important people in my life.

  ___

  “Settle, baby, and get some sleep.” Eleanor’s been restless for hours. We put Della to bed a while ago. I assumed my girl would pass out soon after, but every time I fall asleep, Eleanor’s slight movements or irritated huffs wake me back up.

  “I can’t.”

  “Is it the baby?”

  She turns in my arms and buries her face in my neck. “No. I just have a lot on my mind.”

  “I know what you need.”

  “Hmmm?”

  “You need me between your legs.”

  Her breath hitches and I can feel the pulse in her neck increase. The faint moan she lets out tells me I’m right.

  “Is that what you want?” I ask her.

  Instead of an answer, I get a trail of hot kisses up my neck. Her lips eventually make their way up to mine.

  “Rafe,” she breathes out before she sinks her tongue into my mouth.

  God, I feel like it’s been forever since I’ve been with her. She’s been so exhausted from this pregnancy, but her greedy mouth and her roaming hands are telling me that she’s more than ready to play tonight.

  “Lay back, Eleanor, and let me take care of you,” I whisper between her greedy kisses.

  She’s all too willing to comply.

  My hands don’t know where to start. Her changing body is fascinating to me. Evidence of our child is finally starting to show. I swell with pride each time my eyes land on her baby bump, or each time someone asks us when our child is due. Inching her top up and over her head, my lips and hands start their descent down her delicious body. Her moans become louder when I graze over her full breasts, so I stay awhile and tease her there, alternating between sucking, biting, and kissing the redness away. By the noises she making, I think she could come from this alone.

  “Rafe, please,” she pleads, tugging on my hair.

  I lift my head long enough to ask her what she wants.

  “Don’t tease me. I need you inside of me. Please.”

  Not wanting to deprive my girl of what she wants, I slowly sink into her tightness, stopping when I’m fully inside of her to get control over myself. She feels so damn good; this might be over before it starts.

  “My God, baby, you’re perfect.”

  “Show me, Rafe.”

  I do just that. I worship her body. My mouth kisses, sucks, and nips every piece of flesh that I can reach. My hands knead and massage at all the places I know drive her crazy, all while I pump in and out of her. I move slowly at first, reveling in the feel of her perfect body, then faster and rougher, until she’s coming hard, calling out my name into the darkness of the room. Her name leaves me with a guttural moan as she pulls my orgasm out of me.

  I don’t want to move us. I want to stay in this jumbled mess of arms and legs and find out what’s got my girl so uneasy tonight. Rolling us to our sides so I don’t crush her, I get her settled just how she likes it; her face buried in the crook of my neck. I take a minute to just breathe her in, loving the feel of her in my arms, sated from our lovemaking.

  “Better?” I ask, even though I know the answer. Who wouldn’t be better after that?

  “Yeah.” It’s more a sigh than a word.

  “You wanna tell me what’s got your mind workin’ so hard tonight?”

  She tenses slightly in my hold. “Everything.”

  I smooth down her hair and kiss her on the temple. “You gotta give me more than that.”

  “I’m just worried about everything going on with you and Ford. I don’t like that you had to pull Della out of school.” Her voice drops to an almost inaudible volume. “I’m worried about us.”

  I gently flip us so that she’s on her back and I’m over her, my face mere inches from hers. I can understand the first two reasons she gave me, but the third is completely unwarranted. “Us?”

  She bites her lip and gives me a nervous nod. I don’t know what I’ve done to make her worry about us, but that shit’s ridiculous.

  “That’s the last thing you need to be worried about. I need to know where this is coming from.” I’m trying to ke
ep my anger in check, but it’s not easy.

  Her eyes move from mine to my chest. “I just thought,” she starts, but then she bites on her lip again and the words never come.

  “Eleanor,” I prompt, lifting her chin so I can have her eyes back on mine. “I need to know what this is about. Out of everything that is happening in our lives, we’re the only thing that you shouldn’t be worried about. We’re solid, baby.”

  She takes a few deep breaths before talking. “I just thought you would have asked me to marry you by now. Or, at least asked me to move in with you again.” Her face turns bright red, the brightest I’ve ever seen it get, and her forehead hits my chest.

  “Look at me,” I tell her. All I get is a shake of her head. “Eleanor,” I growl. She picks up her head, but her eyes stay glued to my chest. “Eyes, baby.” She hesitantly lifts her eyes to mine. I can tell that she’s mortified for even bringing it up. I’m surprised it took her this long. “I love you. I love you more than anything in this world. That’s been the case for practically half of my life. You know this. You also know that I would marry you tomorrow if I could, but I will not risk you or the baby until this shit with Ford blows over. As soon as that part of my life is over, you’ll have my ring on your finger and my last name.”

  The smile that lights up her face is breathtaking. “Really?”

  “Really. This wasn’t how I planned on asking, but we’ll get married when all this blows over.”

  The shine in her eyes is gone, replaced by fire. “You didn’t even ask me, Rafe, you told me.”

  I can’t hold back the laughter. I pull her closer and kiss her with everything I have. “Will you marry me, Eleanor Benson?”

  “Yes,” she replies, breathy and soft from the kiss.

  “Good. Now go to sleep.”

  28. Eleanor

  My heart is pounding. I can feel it in every single part of my body, from the tips of my fingers down to my toes. Nausea is churning in my gut, but for once, it has nothing to do with the baby. Rafe got the call tonight that he needed to go meet with Vega, just after his art show at Landon’s gallery was winding down. He’s been waiting for weeks, baiting Ford to slip up on the phone and give us something on record that would prevent him from having to go meet with Vega to do this, but Ford is smarter than that. He never uses names, or gives any other information that would tie him to Vega.